argumentative 14 year old boy

“The problem I am having is with my 14-year-old son who does not apply himself to his school work at all. He won’t revise, study or plan at all. His grades are weak and failing in some major areas. He just won’t apply himself and is lazy. In his own words he can’t be bothered. And on top of that he refuses to acknowledge his body odour or wear clean clothes! Help!

In my many years as a secondary English teacher and then as a lucky mum of four lads I met so many 14-or-so-year-old boys who meet the description above which came to me via a concerned mum.

On top of the concerns already expressed are forgetfulness (left his backpack with PC and smart phone in it on the bus for example), increased disorganisation (I thought the test was tomorrow?), mumbling and monosyllabic responses (whatever!), endless hunger (there’s nothing to eat!), badly behaved penises (especially at breakfast), every excuse for avoiding chores and a passion for wearing favourite daggy clothes – preferably sans undies!

I have received many desperate emails from mainly mums asking me what could have possibly happened to their beautiful boy, some even contemplating whether their lad had been stolen by an alien and replaced.

Many parents ask me: ‘Where did I go wrong? How can I fix this?’ and express concerns that unless their lads start to apply themselves at school they will ruin their lives forever.

If we are able to keep in mind that the journey of adolescence – for boys and girls – is the transformation from being a child into an adult – an independent responsible adult capable of making sound decisions – then it will make sense that adolescence needs to be seen as a time where mistakes and confusion need to be seen as normal.

“Why bother?” he asks…

One of the leading boy experts in the world, Michael Gurian, believes that there is a unique drive within boys and men that shows up when they choose experiences and events on which to focus.

Winning competitions or completing things to a level that they feel is acceptable gives our boys a sense of self-worth that they give themselves. If there is little chance of doing well enough, or winning, there is a tendency for some boys to avoid participating to do it at an obvious, less competent level so that their authentic self-worth can be maintained.

Many 14-year-old boys are just ‘cruising’ at school, not striving to excel and yet hoping not to fail. Many boys also want to be achieving at a similar level as their best mates and so often it is simply not cool to be achieving academically.

Research suggests that boys and men tend to prefer to be single focused rather than multi-focused and with so much happening all at once –body changes, hormonal changes and brain changes – this time is especially confusing for teen boys! Plus this is the window of the natural awakening of sexual awareness and desire, and as the penis is outside the body, it can make some moments really awkward in the immature boy-soon-to-be man.

For many 14-year-old boys this is also the window where their brains do the most significant brain pruning and for those boys who already had some challenges remembering things and finding things like milk in the fridge or their socks, then becoming even more forgetful can make them feel really useless, even stupid.

Yes they will forget to clean their teeth, do their chores, totally forget to attend the orthodontic appointment you set up, and often have no idea what day of the week it is.

They may also consume far too much Milo or even steal the tin and hide it in their room. They struggle with big ugly feelings and can be known to punch a hole in the wall if a sibling has eaten the last biscuit in the tin!

This is not intentional. This is not deliberate. This is a sign of an early adolescent brain doing some early modifications. With an increase in moments of perceived failure, boys create a fake mask and hide behind it in order to protect themselves from not just the chaotic world and also from themselves!

The many masks of adolescence

There are many masks – the smart alec, the clown, the jock, the bully, the cool dude, the shy mouse – usually with long fringe hiding their face. They especially need this mask at school as it is really much like a war zone for boys – so many rules, expectations, different teachers, classes and being challenged to do tasks they are not sure they can conquer.

Many boys are struggling with heightened levels of anxiety that they mask and have no understanding they even are having as they simply mask anything that may suggest vulnerability of any kind.

At the same time as the brain pruning there is an increased production of testosterone and a hunger for creating dopamine, the feel-good neurochemical that comes from having fun, doing risky stuff, watching scary things, gaming and doing physical activity that they love.

Boredom, being threatened by figures of authority, lack of movement and being asked to do things that they consider have little relevance to them are serious good brain chemical killers.

If you are struggling with your son’s gaming passion, knowing that it ticks all his passions – fun, risk taking, winning, making dopamine, playing with others and having people who like him share the experience – maybe you could try my 10 Agreements for Healthy Balance.

Poor choices

A sobering statistic shows that your chances of dying during adolescence especially for boys increases by 400% especially in rural areas where four beautiful boys can be killed in a car accident after just two seconds of poor choice making.

Making poor choices has a lot to do with an insufficient amount of myelin – the white matter that grows with age – and boys often make the same mistake again and again.

Many deputy head teachers will attest to this frustrating reality. You need a significant amount of myelin to make better choices, the ability to plan for the future, to motivate oneself for an academic goal especially if there is no guarantee of success, to learn from your mistakes, to delay gratification from feeling good in the moment, to manage impulses – especially the need to fart loudly in class-and to feel empathetic towards your frustrated mum – are all attributes of the executive functioning part of the brain that does not finish developing until around the mid-20s. Still, keep sending him links like this !

I found 14-year-old boys have the worst impulse control and love to use their hunger for body connections with their mates randomly – shoving, pushing, slapping, sitting on and bumping –and just laugh when sanctioned or even when they hurt one of their mates. It can be beyond frustrating!

The biological wiring to belong with friends and peers is another factor that explains much of the Neanderthal-style behaviour that happens in many classrooms. So many boys of this age call out inappropriate things in class: “Look who’s got a stiffie!” or “Jenny farted Miss!”. To get all your mates laughing with you is incredibly important to the developing boy-man. It means I belong and I matter. It also makes some positive brain chemicals that help them be less aggressive and angry.

Sadly many boys around this age are punished harshly when they do break things accidentally or when they hurt a mate. Their intention was to have fun and connect more deeply with their friends and not to hurt anything or anyone. They will immediately become very critical internally at themselves and when they are not heard or understood, it can create an irrational anger that often comes out later at sport, or at home. Having these ‘bugger’ moments managed with compassion can make such a difference for our impulsive, fun loving adolescent lads.

14 -year-old boys are emotionally fragile and cover this with many of the behaviours that make mum especially frustrated. I once worked with a lad this age after he almost took his life and he shared with me that his mum had frozen him out after he had a lousy report. He thought she had stopped loving him and he did not want to live without her love. Freezing out is a female way of expressing displeasure that girls and women know well boys do not see it the same way.

I have also worked with a 16-year-old lad who again was almost lost to our world because his mum wanted him to take maths and science subjects when he wanted to an arts course as he loved music. She told him he would not be able to live well or be successful if he did the arts course. He almost preferred to die than to disappoint his mum. Fortunately this was able to be resolved.

Our 14-year-old boys can be smelly, unmotivated, lazy, moody and confused at the same time as being frightened, sad, emotionally vulnerable and wanting to do well. A warm unconditionally loving relationship with their mum can be unbelievably important.

So my suggestions to the mum who is incredibly frustrated and confused:

Thankfully 14-year-old boys are only 14 once and as they get older they mature and become better at managing their brains, hormones and bodies. If you can hold their hearts gently while they are 14, they will love you forever mumma.

PS: in case you haven’t seen this it might be worth a watch… Part 2 is also available.

From Boys to Men: Guiding our teen boys to grow into happy, healthy men

Maggie’s 2020 book, From Boys to Men: Guiding our teen boys to grow into happy, healthy men published by Pan Macmillan Australia, is available in ebook, audiobook and print. Maggie also has a Webinar Masterclass Series based on this book including a whole webinar on ‘unsticking’ your unmotivated teen son.

From Boys to Men

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Why teenagers are disrespectful

Disrespect is a common part of teenage development, although not all teenagers are rude or disrespectful.

It happens partly because your child is developing, expressing and testing independent ideas and values, so there’ll be times when you disagree. Developing independence is a key part of growing up. It’s a good sign that your child is trying to take more responsibility. But your child is also still learning how to handle disagreement and differing opinions appropriately.

Also, your child is trying to balance their need for privacy with your need to stay connected and show you care. So sometimes you might get a rude or disrespectful response because your child feels you’re too interested in their life or activities.

Your child’s moods can change quickly too. Because of the way teenage brains develop , your child can’t always handle changing feelings and reactions to everyday or unexpected things. And this can sometimes lead to over-sensitivity, which in turn can lead to grumpiness or rudeness. Teenage brain development can also affect your child’s ability to empathise and understand other people’s perspectives, including yours.

Sometimes disrespectful behaviour might be a sign that your child is feeling stressed or feeling anxious .

Teenagers are also starting to think and feel more deeply about things. Some young people seem to have a conflicting and radical view on everything, and they might question previously held beliefs. This shift to deeper thinking is a normal part of development too.

And sometimes teenagers are disrespectful because they think it might be a way to impress others, or because they’ve seen their friends behave this way.

No matter how grumpy or cross your child gets, your child still values time talking and connecting with you . You just might need to be a little more understanding if your child is short-tempered or changeable. It can help to remember that this phase will usually pass.

Handling disrespectful behaviour: communication, relationships and discipline

Tips for communication

Tips for relationships

Tips for discipline

Things to avoid with teenage disrespect

Arguing rarely works for parents or teenagers. When we get angry, we can say things we don’t mean. A more effective approach is to give yourself and your child some time to calm down.

If you’re angry or in the middle of an argument , it will be hard to discuss calmly what you expect of your child. A more effective approach is to tell your child that you want to talk and agree on a time for a conversation.

Being defensive is very rarely useful. Try not to take things personally. It might help to remind yourself that your child is growing up and trying to assert their independence.

Even though you have more life experience, lecturing your child about how to behave is likely to turn them off listening. If you want your child to listen to you, you might need to spend time actively listening to your child first.

Nagging isn’t likely to have much effect. It might increase your frustration, and your child will probably just switch off.

Sarcasm will almost certainly create resentment and increase the distance between you and your child.

When to be concerned about teenage disrespect

If your child’s attitude towards you and your family doesn’t respond to any of the strategies suggested above, it might be a warning sign that there’s a deeper problem.

You might also be concerned if your child:

If you’re concerned about your child’s behaviour, it’s OK to seek help and advice. Here are some things you can do:

It’s important to look after yourself too. If you’re managing your stress and meeting your own needs, you’ll be better able to meet your child’s needs. Friends and family can be a great source of support , as can parents of other teenagers.

Teen aggression and arguments

Find out how to cope with heated arguments with your teenager, and what to do if they become violent.

This page covers:

How to defuse arguments with your teen

How to deal with violent behaviour, concerned about mental health issues, help and support.

It's useful to remember that your own behaviour can improve or worsen an aggressive situation, so it's important to be a good role model for your teen.

If you act aggressively but tell your teenager not to, they will not listen. It's also helpful to remember that their anger is often based on fear that they're losing control.

Try these tips:

Breathing exercises can help take the intensity out of an argument. Take a deep breath, hold for a few seconds and then exhale. Repeat 5 times.

When your teen is calm, suggest this technique to them so they, too, have a way of controlling their anger.

Remember that teens may not know how to handle their anger, and this can leave them frustrated and frightened.

However, as with toddlers, if you give in to teenagers because their shouting and screaming intimidates or baffles you, you are in effect encouraging them to repeat the unreasonable behaviour as a way of getting what they want.

Sometimes, teen aggression can turn into violence. If they lash out at you, or someone or something else, put safety first.

Let your teenager know that violence is unacceptable and you will walk away from them until they've calmed down. If leaving the room or house is not helping, call the police. After all, if you feel threatened or scared, then you have the right to protect yourself.

Family Lives offers this advice for coping with, and helping, a violent teen:

If you're worried that your teen has a mental health problem such as depression , talk to a GP. They can refer them to the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services, who in turn can refer all or some of you for Family Therapy.

You can also contact the Young Minds Parents Helpline on 0808 802 5544 (9.30am to 4pm Monday to Friday) for advice and support concerning mental health issues in young people.

If you are having trouble coping with your teenager, and you suspect you may have symptoms of depression or other mental health problems, discuss this with a GP. They can then suggest suitable treatment.

You may, for example, be referred for counselling, or directed to support groups or other services in your area.

There are many organisations that offer emotional support and practical advice to you and your teen. At such an important development stage, it's important that teens learn how to communicate well and express anger in a healthy way.

Page last reviewed: 9 January 2020 Next review due: 9 January 2023

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